ayu rant*_;

so far. my absence have brought in alot of things that happens around me. im going through alot. i've treated herman like a close buddy of mine. we worked at the same place, he's a rider. we got close ever since i joined them playing blackjack-gambling till 3. no more buses. therefore he sends me home everyday. we talked alot, laugh alot. he's comfortable to be with and we like to irritate each other. least unexpected that we began to feel, 'we can no longer be JUST friends'. i used to have acrush on him last year. but to think about it, nyeh~ he's like 23. will it ever worked? why on earth would he like me? how can it be me, out of every girls out there who is his age? im only 15. but i guess i learnt my lesson. never assume about anything, at all.

so he dislikes tatu songs. and whenever the radio played the song 'all about us', the first thing i would do is to increase the volume, then zama and i will sing very2 loud and looked at herman. he would say like "everywhere i go and whenever i see ur face, i'll hear this song! arrgh!!". we'll laugh at him.

till one fine day, on the 13th was the PH chalet. i feel like i was cheating on my boyfren when i french kissed herman. the fact is it happened after awi left at about 6 plus in the morning. i dunoe how it happen but i knew that it was going to happen after all. at one point of time during the chalet, i was lying down, sweet talking with my guy when suddenly herman saw me and he like, looked away. his face suddenly changed. i thought it was nothing, cause i really am clueless about the subject 'he likes me' !!

after that incident. we didnt talk much at work. i was pretending to be normal. like nothing had happened. but still, there was something different. that night, we talked things out when he sends me home. he wants everything to be clear. about why do we kissed that night? do u like me? 'yesterday wasn't a one night stand' or 'i like u ever since u started working here.' u know, stuffs like that. he confessed to me that he likes me. i can't think much at that point of time.

till today, i realised it was no longer 'i was cheating on my boifren' but more to I AM CHEATING MY BOYFREN for goodness sake !! we french kiss every now and then whenever he sends me home. dear god. im a slut, am i? or worst than that? my feelings for awi is like fading. seriousli. i dunoe what to do. i want to clear my conscience, be with the one i want to be with. i don't want to lose both man and awi. but its hard coz im attached to awi. but to think about letting awi go, ouch. it hurts so badly. im in BIG trouble now.